Why...

do I go to church again? I understand when you have little ones that church might be a little miserable. BUT...when you have kids as old as mine are you should be able to look back on those days with a big grin and thank the good Lord they are over. Well... today, my big, grown children reminded me of what those days were like. There we are, in the middle of the opening prayer, when Charlie and Ryan, yes you read that correctly, start pinching each other and acting up. It was ridiculous. Once the prayer was over I made Charlie walk around the back of the chapel so he could sit on the opposite end of the bench. The 5 of us took up an entire long bench so everyone could be separated. Charlie was so mad at me for making him do this. But here's my question...do kids really think that we enjoy doing things like having to separate your well old enough to know better sons during a church meeting? I mean, it wouldn't look any sillier if I was sitting there with my husband acting like that. That's the thing kids don't understand. When you are that dang old it looks so ridiculous to sit and act like that. I did get a chuckle when I looked down the bench at Charlie all slumped over trying to act mad at me.

I need to have more of a positive attitude about life. This is hard for me sometimes. I got an email from my husband this morning telling me he might not leave on the date we have anticipated all along. Now here we have these plane tickets and it's too late to change them. Even if we did change them we would have no idea what date to change them to. It is all so very frustrating and the most maddening part of it all is there isn't a dang thing I can do about it. So why do I even need to worry with something I have no control over? I can still go and enjoy the hell out of my sister, right? Yes this is right! I guess at this point I can pray that the Lord will help things to work out. I guess we will see but I need to keep a positive attitude and be thankful I didn't have to live Emma's life :)

Speaking of Emma, we talked about her and Joseph in RS today. The teacher spoke of building family relationships. Well of course this made me think of a few posts back when I completely put my brother and his sweet wife in their place. I know, I know... this was probably not the sweetest way to go about this. That was probably not what they were speaking of when telling us to build strong family ties! I'm not perfect by any means but good heavens folks...I was at my wits end and his wife was making me mad. :| Excuses, excuses. Just give me a minute.

I don't think I can handle one more thing during the rest of this deployment. I feel like it has been one thing after the next and I just really want Charles to come home when they told me he would. I am so thankful I have an end to this year. I am blessed that my kids have been healthy and safe and fairly easy to deal with. It is almost over and I can look back and know that this has all been temporary. That's the fabulous thing about trials....they are only temporary. Then we will be able to look back and say I'm thankful for what I've learned but I'm glad as hell it's all over. It WILL work out.

Saturday Night Fever

Today was a nutty day! Leaves are everywhere and my boys were in charge of raking them up. They were supposed to do it yesterday after school but Charlie talked me into letting him go to a friends's house instead of doing the yard. I told him that if I let him do this he was going to have to do the leaves today with no complaining. Well he got the leaves done but not without the complaining. Ryan got to go with Uncle Matt to the rock climbing wall today. For some reason all of my boys think that if one of them gets to do something special and fun then they all need to get to do something special and fun. Matt is taking the kids one at a time to spend time with them. Every time he takes one of them the others get a little sulky even though they know their time is coming. Charlie also got to go and do something on his own without anyone tagging along. Aunt Jade took him to a farm where he got to help kill chickens and prepare them for eating!! They got some of the nastiest pictures ever. I have never seen so much blood. Apparently chickens really do run around after their heads have been cut off! He loved watching it but I don't know that he'll be eating chicken for a while. He was amazed at how they look like "real" chickens once they had no feathers or a head! He was referring to the way they look in the grocery store!! We're city folk :)

I had to make 2 trips to Wal*Mart today. Again, I hate doing this with children. I get the same outcome every single time. I don't know why I think it may be different but that is what they call crazy. When you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. This is me! But how do you escape this when you're a mother? Oh but I did get 2 jackets I had been eyeballing and they had been marked down to clearance. I was excited!

I have gotten my wardrobe for when my husband arrives!! I am so freakin' excited I can't stand it. I like to have a reason to get new clothes and having a husband coming home soon is a great excuse. Only 6 more days till I leave. I have a lot to do this week. Hair, nails, tanning, packing cleaning, ooh I can't wait! I was feeling a little guilty at first about the kids not getting to come with me. But now...I am so glad they aren't coming. They have been driving me insane lately and I am so looking forward to a break. I don't feel bad for saying that either. Good gosh!

So tomorrow is Sunday and I can't seem to get excited about this new calling. Normally I get pumped and motivated when I receive a new church calling but I'm just not there with this one. I was hoping for a break the entire time I was here in Utah. I was thinking there was an age requirement to be in the RS presidency in the state of Utah!! Guess not. I guess one good thing is I know it will only be for a short while.

It's gonna be a long week.

So I've been thinking.....

about life. I talked to a friend of mine yesterday. She's in the same boat as me. I knew her in Tennessee and her husband is deployed too. She also moved the heck out of Clarksville. Anyway, she was telling me about another family we knew that got out of the army and moved west. She told me they bought a big home in some trendy neighborhood. Ok, this is fine. But...she also told me the wife had to get a full time job during the day and does nails at night to be able to afford this home. Now....why would you do this? Especially when you've been a stay at home mother for so long. I mean, I get wanting to work because your kids make you nuts. I would love to do this but I never would. My kids are too important for me to do this. I also understand that there are so many women out there that would love to stay home but because of circumstances they HAVE to go and work to support their kids. So it made me think how Charles and I have been married for almost 14 years and we STILL live payday to payday. Well, I have found my answer. I think you will have in life what is the most important to you. I think if you want the big house and all the stuff your neighbors have that is exactly what you will get. You will give up everything you need to to attain this. If you want a strong family and to be able to teach your kids good values on your own then this is what you will have. You will give up everything you need to to be able to have this. You will give up the big home and the job that keeps you away from your family. So I learned yesterday that I am glad we STILL live payday to payday. I'm glad I get to see my kids everyday and be a big part of their lives. I'm glad I get to see Charles a lot, when he is actually in the country, of course. I can't wait for him to get home and to be able to eat lunch with him everyday while our kids are at school. I can't wait for the 4 day holidays we'll get to be able to spend together when he is finally home. I'm glad we've been able to make that sacrifice and have a good marriage and good kids because of it. It's not so bad being poor and living in a tiny house! Now, I know there are women out there that have to work and have no other choice. I think their kids will see this and know what good women their moms are for sticking around and making sure they always provide everything they need!

Tonight I got some energy and started cleaning my house. It's been a CrAzY mess since I've been sick and you know there isn't anyone that lives here that's going to chip in and help out without being asked. I haven't even bothered asking either. That takes more energy than cleaning. It was nice to get some things done that were long overdue.

Today was a crazy day. Charlie had a field trip after school. They went to fat cats and then we had to be at the church at 445. Of course nothing at fat cats was organized and we spent the first 30 minutes trying to figure out what the heck was going on. Charlie didn't want to get in there and find anything out until I had to get frustrated and then he tells me I'm stressing him out. Ok-here I am with 4 kids kids at fats cats and he's the one getting stressed. What's wrong with this? He was able to get about 30 minutes of bowling and a slice of pizza in before we had to get out of there. And can I just say I am so happy that I have 4 boys instead of 4 girls. I wanted to bite my fist being around so many 6th grade girls today! I wouldn't have been able to get everything done with the field trip and the youth trip had it not been for Trisha loading all of her kids plus her day care kids up and getting Charlie's church clothes ready and bringing them to us at the church! Thanks Trisha, my hero for this day! See I have good folks in my life. Not all of them want to steal my money!

So, I'm very glad the night has come to an end and kids are in the bed. I have only one more week until Matt and Jade get to take over my life. I can't wait! I hope they enjoy it as much as I do. I am so excited to see Charles next week. I can't believe it's getting here so fast. I'm sure next week will crawl by. I'm also excited to see my sister and her kids! I'm what I like to call sanc happy!! I'm sure there will be lots of questions about that one! Charles and Ericka will both know what that is :)

Oh yeah, I also found out I have a gas leak in my house. Thanks Matt B. for finding this for me. Isn't is ALWAYS something. I guess I can thank my Lord that none of us have died from carbon monoxide. Only one more week and I get to pass my worries onto someone else.

I have a secret....

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

This joke cracked me right up! I can see my Cody doing something like this. My secret is...I say swear words! :-| I figure it's this or beat my kids so I choose the cursing. It helps with frustration. My husband absolutely hates that I do this and I know I need to work on this vice. One thing at a time though. I can't give everything up at once and right now the cursing will have to stick around for at least another week. A Relief Society 2nd counselor that says swear words...oops! I do need to stop this! There are worse things, right?

Speaking of RS, we had leadership training tonight. So, I had to make dinner at 3:30 so the kids would be able to eat before we left. I also had to rush to my weigh in so I wouldn't have to pay $5 for not showing up. Trisha and I only went to weigh and didn't stay for her boring class to listen to her read all the information word for word straight from the pages. I did lose 5 pounds though!! So... I ended up bringing the kids to my RS meeting. I feel like they get left alone quite a bit. So I loaded them all up and brought them along. They played basketball in the gym and Cody kept wandering into the room I was in so he could get rolls for everyone! They did good. They're good boys. I know they bug me a lot and I write about them bugging me a lot but I do love them. Charlie made honor roll and they are taking all the kids in the 6th grade who got A's or A's and B's to fat cats tomorrow. He made the list. Only problem is, he's supposed to go to Salt Lake City tomorrow with the YM for some youth trip thing. We'll squeeze in both but he just won't be able to stay very long at fat cats. It's pretty important he makes it to SLC. Ryan can't wait to get into YM. He is so ready to be done with cub scouts. Secretly...I'm ready for cubs to be done too but I have 2 more boys to get through so I have no end in sight anytime soon. I will have a small break after Ryan's birthday this year. Josh won't start until August!

It's freezing cold here and it's supposed to stay that way all week. I'm not a huge fan of chilly weather. I don't enjoy shivering to the bone. Charles is the complete opposite. He HATES being hot more than I hate being cold. He thinks you can layer up for cold weather but there is only so much you can take off in hot weather. I'd like to see him take it all off! Next week, babe!! 55 weeks down and only 1 to go! We got it licked......

I gave up

Yep, I finally did! I went to the doctor to get an antibiotic for this dang sinus infection. It's been lingering around for a week and I just couldn't get rid of it on my own. I suck! I feel much better though after just the first round of meds! The breaking point was waking up this morning at 4 a.m. with my teeth and face in complete pain. I haven't been able to do much other than sleep when the kids are at school. I haven't gotten a single thing done in I don't even remember how long. So....I said..... I need drugs! And...I got me some! Love 'em. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.

Have you ever noticed how kids seem to be the most annoying when you just are not in the mood? Well I am noticing it right now as Cody and Josh are going crazy in my living room. Getting Dixie all riled up and just annoying the crap right out of me. I wanna be in one of Kenny Chesney's songs right about now. Or...the last chocolate ghost cake might work as well. Dadgum, I need a minute.

So...I'm a little nervous about this presidential election going on right now. I have to admit, Obama scares the crap out of me. I'm not understanding some of his ideas. He keeps talking about spreading the wealth and paying more taxes so we can spread the wealth to all those folks that don't feel like working. Now... I'm from the south, and there is an abundance of African Amercicans and I have yet to see any of these people wearing a John McCain t-shirt or holding one of his signs. Typically, in the south, these are the people that are living off of the working citizens. It angers me some. I'm not a racist, don't get me wrong. I just believe that everyone should work for what they have because it raises your self worth when you earn what you have. I had to vote for McCain so that I can be sure my husband will still have a job in 4 years! I know this a touchy subject out there for lots of people, of course this IS my blog and those of you reading this and getting irritated can always move on to something else. :)

I leave for Birmingham in 9 days! Then off to Tennessee from there. It seems so weird that the time is that close. I remember when we moved here last November. It seemed so far away that Charles would be home and now we're down to the last few minutes and it seems cRaZy! I'm excited though. I'm gonna get a break from life for a while when he gets home. I'm gonna let Charles get a chance to be the stay at home dad for a month. I'm gonna sleep in and not cook any the entire month he's home. He'll need to get reacquainted with family life and I want to make sure he has lots of opportunities! I love you Charles!

Oh yeah, I also wanted to give my sister in law Jade a shout out for doing my laundry last night! That was nice, huh?! I thought so. I was up to my eyeballs in laundry from all the puking and diarrhea. So thanks Jade, my hero for the day. You're awesome!

So my friend Trisha just brought this poem over for me to read. It was all about the strength women have. It is so true too. Women are strong. I think about all the women in my life that I am close to and think about the things they have had to endure. I think of how they have handled some of the hardest things that can happen to a person and come out of it only stronger. I am grateful to be a woman. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had, good and bad, that have made me stronger. I'm thankful for the strength to get through the day with a terrible sinus infection and for the women who give a damn to want to help and the ones who call just because. We are important creatures. What the heck would men do without us? Probably walk around with their ding dongs in their hand asking where do I go from here. Of course I love all the men in my life too. I mean, hey, don't get me wrong they provide some things only a man can provide!

I'm feeling a little sad...

today. I haven't slept in about 36 hours and my eyelids feel as though they weigh 60 lbs a piece! Josh came upstairs last night and told me he had thrown up. It was 2 a.m. and I happened to still be up. I asked him where he threw up and of course it was all over the couch! That was a good time cleaning that up. I cleaned him up and put him in his bed and went to work on the mess. Still have the sinus infection by the way! Thankfully whatever it was he had passed as soon as he threw it up. No lingering virus! So this was good news. But the stench left in my couch is not so great. I wonder if i should just huck it and go get a new one. The kids have completely trashed the sucker anyway. Oh well I'm not really caring lately what my house looks like anyway. I guess we could let it get down to the pad and foam and it would still work.

I had to stand up in Relief Society today and talk about myself. The new president wanted all the sisters to get to know the new presidency on a personal level. This ward is awesome and always making me feel so good. We have good ladies in our ward. It was a good Sunday. I learned a lot about myself and it always feels good to be more self aware. I need to try harder and always do my best and the rest will come.

Back to the grindstone tomorrow, hopefully. I am crossing my fingers that we don't have any midnight wakings with someone vomiting on the carpet. I don't mind the vomit so much but I tell my kids to aim for something that can be thrown in the washer but this isn't always how it happens. I remember Charlie, one time, during 1st deployment of course, got sick. He was on the top bunk and instead of throwing up on his bed, he leans over the edge of the bunk and pukes ALL OVER EVERYTHING below. The bottom bunk, the carpet, walls, his brothers and all down the bed. It was spaghetti for dinner that night too. It was a teeny bit frustrating. I was up for an hour scrubbing that mess up. Loved it! I love 'em though! Anyway, I had to make an early post tonight since I will probably retire to bed early!

Oh I have a cool story for all the military families out there. So I am sitting in pack meeting on Thursday and night and look over and see this guy who has a very familiar face. It took me about 2 minutes to realize it was a guy we had been stationed with at Ft. Gordon. He and Charles had been home teaching companions and I had been his wife's visiting teacher. Pretty neat. I even recognized him on top of the 75+ lubs he has gained since getting out of the military. But hey, everybody's entitled to a few extra pounds, right? I don't mind chubby people. They're good too.

EXHAUSTED...

is the word that describes how I feel after being a single mom for what feels like 3 years. I know for sure, all my friends out there with deployed spouses or other single moms know exactly how I feel. Do you ever get to the point where you couldn't care less what your house looks like or how long your grass is or that you have nothing in the refrigerator? This is the stage I am at right now. I am so TIRED. I feel like I am about to have a mental breakdown. I am the only one that has to worry about EVERYTHING there is to worry about. Such as...doctor appts., parent-teacher conferences, callings, laundry, lawn mowing, visiting teaching, homework, housework, grocery shopping and all that that entales, sports, sick kids, bills, the dog and her vet visits, abusive grandmothers, irritating relatives,birthdays, Christmas, and the list goes on and on. I don't think a man will ever get this or understand how it feels. I don't think they get the mental part of it. I get a lot of offers from people asking me if I want them to help with my kids, but the thing folks just don't understand is it isn't the kids I really need a break from. It's the giant mental list that is constantly filled up with the things I mentioned a few sentences back. So, ladies, after all the crap we have to deal with don't you think we deserve a crazy minute from time to time. I mean can't we just at least go out of our element and act a little nuts and do something we wouldn't normally do without being chastised for it? I defintely think we should be able to do this. I mean it's either act out or end up in prison, right? I sure think so! I don't think a man would ever be able to grasp that mental overload and what it can drive you to do or say! Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I the only nutty broad out there that goes in-frigging-sane? Please feel free to comment on this matter! I am seriously at my wits end and I feel like I am supposed to be feeling guilty about this but I just DO NOT feel guilty. I think I am completely justified in feeling a little like a person that needs to be institutionalized.

I do have people that are more than willing to make me feel less overwhelmed. I went to my friend's (Collette) wedding tonight. She was a war widow that I had met in Clarksville. Her first husband was killed almost 3 years ago. They had 4 kids and it was a devastating time. It was so good to see her happy again! How awesome she finally gets some help and a new partner! After Trisha and I had returned home from the event I pulled up to my house and Uncle Matt had all the kids out there raking up the leaves that covered my yard. It was a little weight lifted. Then I asked my kids if they had seen the Budge family and Ryan told me they had already left my house and that Matt Budge had fixed a portion of my fence that wasn't closed in. Now we will be able to let our dog out in the yard without worrying about her getting out and having to chase her down! These 2 things were HUGE for me! I am so very grateful to these good men! Two checks off that list I was talking about earlier! Thanks guys, from the bottom of my heart.

Is anyone else as glad as I am that Halloween is over? We had our little party last night with all our Halloween edibles. We then went trick or treating. Me doing all of this with the worst sinus infection ever. One of those where it is so bad that my teeth hurt. I was so tired and sick. We got home and I went straight to bed. Cody came to bed with me and about 3 hours later he was up throwing up! What a great night! Then about 5 a.m. he had diarrhea all in my bed. I had to get up with the same sinus infection to bathe him and change the sheets! Yes I deserve the right to go crazy and do something out of character, right?!! I do believe so :)